When I was a toddler -toddling – chicken little played a massive part of my life (nursery was da bomb right?!). The story was entertaining but I didn’t get it; not surprising really a three year old who can just about control her bowel didn’t fully comprehend the story.
I didn’t get chicken little until I turned 18 when I realised that my life was imploding and my ‘sky’ was falling. Seven years later, it is still falling. At first I thought I was in the midst of teenage angst: I’d just finished my A-Levels (which I, hand on heart, thought were going to kill me) and was heading to university. I was anxious and confused and let myself be swept up in life, little did I know this was the beginning of my experience of depression.
*I know there are eleventy million people who are about to say ‘Rhianne, you’re not depressed’, but I assure you as the expert on all things Rhianne related that I was and still am.
The following seven years saw me lose friends, eat my feelings, and lose confidence. I was too scared to move out and live on campus, scared of failure so I coasted through university and scared of rejection so I stayed in the same job with no prospects for two and a half years. My sky was falling.
I looked in the mirror and saw someone who wasn’t worthy of love or attention. Who was unattractive and had nothing to offer the world; I had no skills, no talents and served no purpose (I know this is very self indulgent but I promise I have a point – stick with me).
This blog is one of those things I thought I couldn’t do, and up to last weekend I could have convinced a grand jury that I was not worthy of the title ‘blogger’ BUT (a big, jiggly one) my friend sat me down and explained that I could not run; I could not run from something I needed to do (see my first post RE being on fire here), and an outlet that could be a step in my road to recovery.
This is my first ‘real’ post and in the midst of my sadness there are just a few things I want to say to a few people:
- To those who have seen me at my worst and haven’t abandoned me, thank you
- To my family who worry when I cry at night, I love you
- To the friends who think I don’t care because I don’t call, I’m sorry
If there is one thing I have learned over the past seven years it’s that it’s okay not to be okay; it may feel like the sky is falling and in those moment it seems like that is all that matters, but a different perspective can change everything.
For anyone reading this who has ever felt worthless, insignificant or has suffered with crippling depression, there is more, you can escape, this is not the end; one day you will see your falling sky for what it is, an acorn.